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My birthday weekend is again thwarted by my family. Last year it was Arun's engagement, this year it's my sister's lesbian wedding. The ceremony was quick combination of Indian and American traditions with both types of garments all done in English.
In the hotel I put Nicole to work ironing while I played hosts to the guest that entered the hotel. Before the actual ceremony, I was tasked with making fire (maybe I am the devil) using some red streamers, a computer fan and light because real flames were not allowed. My little sister, Molly, got to be the ring bearer and I got to look pimp in my new suit instead of a tux walking down the wedding parade.
After the ceremony, I was the hit of the night with my crazy impromptu comical wedding speech to contrast my little sister's serious one. Nicole ended up with the ring boxes after Molly didn't need them in the ceremony, so at the dinner table I asked Nicole if it would be funny if I fake proposed to her.
I started with my speech thanking everyone including "the accident", I mean "surprise" that was Molly. Then I went into jokes about what my other cousins would say if they were telling the speech. My eldest cousin, Anoop, would ask my sister’s fiancé "Katie, before you join our family you have to tell us who's the greatest football team ever?" Katie happily replied correctly, "Steelers!!".
Then I said Anoop's little brother Arun would tell a funny joke because he's the comedian in the family. Here's my try. 'Well it was odd telling my coworkers and friends why I wasn't going to be around this weekend. I was going to a wedding but it’s weird.' "What's weird about it?" people would ask. 'Well it’s not a normal ceremony; there's something odd about the couple'.
"What?" their curiosity would query. 'Well my sister is marrying this girl Katie.' "A lesbian wedding?" 'Yeah, but that's not the weird part.' "Is it Katie?" 'No,' I'd respond, "She's great. She's a computer person and the warmest person you'd ever want for your sister." Frustrated by this point, they'd insist 'Well what is it? Tell us!' Finally, I'd whisper a confession to them, 'My sister's a “LAWYER”' (dun-dah ching).
Next I busted out my fake proposal going down on one knee, opening the box, and then saying "whoops it's empty." Of course I had to switch to sentimental. 'My cousin Kitty is the sentimental one. She'd say they're in a poetic love, and since it’s a lesbian love, it'd be a rainbow love. They say at every rainbow's end is every wish you'd want to make, and I wish you too would be happy forever.'
The DJ and crowd loved it so much they asked me back to do the toast and I pulled out my classic one I wrote with this girl Kelly for a play we did stealing from various other toasts. "Here's to the young, the beautiful, and the brave of heart; to love, laughter, and happily ever after. Here's to you."
Dinner was good and we got to stay at the table with Jason I think his name was. He's the heir to the Slim Jim fortune and his boyfriend was hilarious. Finally Nicole got to see all my family and their friend be nutty on the dance floor. Every table was equipped with disposable cameras so my job was to take pictures with them if people didn't take enough so they weren't wasted.
It was great seeing the giant Sid that is Kokilia's boyfriend and seeing her brother Kapil and his date who I knew in college. On the name tags were silver cows. I told Amy I'd get her something and think that's fitting since she has prize cows (mostly because I want to mock her for not bringing be back cheese from Wisconsin during her bday vacation.) Unfortunately we were tasked with the cleanup, which included dismantling the ceremony booth but then we got to go back and rest in a hotel.
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