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Kim Birthday
TODAY'S BROADCAST: A LIFETIME OF BOWLING….the neglected sport.
Bowling parties aren't just for 5 year olds; it's for Kim's birthday too!!
PROGRAM TEASER: Do you remember your first bowling party? Flashback to that iniTial dash in a mad rush to find your favorite green-blue colored ball that wouldn’t cripple your twig sized fingers. Then remember mocking your friends who were too slow and inept and had to settle for the dusty brown one named Fred with the cockeyed holes. WHAT LOOSERS, right?
SHOW BEGINS: What I liked the best about the infant age of bowling was the inhibition and the mass experimentation. How slow can you roll the ball without guttering? Who can maximize curve like the pros? Between the legs backward for a laugh anyone? The silly games we play...
BEGIN FLASHBACK:
Kid Bowler 1: I bet you can’t ricochet the ball off both bumper lanes.
Kid Bowler 2: Okay, there. Damn. Yeah well, I double dare you to throw two balls at once!
Kid Bowler 3: I'll do it...STRIKE!...Now, I double dog dare to you to use that ball cleaning machine. If you mess it up, it will steal your hair right out of your scalp. Then it shines your head like Mr. Clean, and then you'll become a freakish serial killer that strikes on Friday the 13ths who cleaves the heads of bowlers who bowl three strikes in a row and replaces their heads with turkey’s tops like a new Hindu God.
Kid Bowler 4: mmmm Turkey aggggg.
END FLASHBACK:
…But soon enough, with age comes the wisdom to deceive. Leaving you as the mentor, you must coach the young gunners on how to play:
THE BAbbLER (age 11): “You never bowled before, awe it’s easy. Line up with the center pin, pull back your dominate hand, and glide forward. Finally, release the ball close to the ground and don’t forget to follow through. Make sure you don’t knock all of them down, or they cheat you out of your second ball! Finally, glance at the score and see what you got. Nobody really knows how its calculated, but see if you can beat me--muhahahaha”
Gradually the game morphs into completion, boys verse girls, you verse your best friend, and more elite goals like breaking 100, 150, 200, or bowling the triumphant turkey (3 strikes in a roll) and surviving the Hindu serial killer. Personally, I never bowled a turkey out of fear. I did once barely beat 150 in miracle game in completion with this girl Kelly (who ended up wining the best of three match, but we all know she was juicing).
Still, the essence of the game was unfettered; it’s simply an excuse to waste time with your comrades. Do you remember the tireless thrills of all night glow-in-the-dark bowling? Even if you still sucked like me, you could always shoot for the automatically definitive victory, bowling an exact 69. LOL, we were a always a mature bunch.
COMERICAL BREAK 1: For some reason I was told I had to add the story of my first kiss to this tale o’ bowling because it happened on the way back from all-night bowling; Personally, I think I’ve already gone on enough tangents so let's do this quick.
Pimpin Pchewy: Omigod, please tell me you don’t have the Little Mermaid tape in this collection.
Girl: Oh, I’ll take that to mean you want to hear it. Gee, I never fingered you as a closet fan. Is there something else I don't know about you? Are you Gay?
Pimpin Pchewy: Oh you’ll pay, (**tickle tickle.**)
Girl: (**giggle giggle**)
Background: [Suddenly, that song with the chorus “kiss the girl” plays. In the age where they try to blame rap for getting kids to kill each other, Marylyn Manson for getting kids to kill themselves, few ever talk about how Disney leads to sexual activity. The music made me do it, my first open mouth kiss.
ANOUNCER: Now back to the regular scheduled program, a time progression of the lifetime of bowling, the neglected sport.
Eventually the adolescent era wanes as your friends covet their driver's licenses. That gained freedom transforms the bowling adventure to a random ~I can’t think of anything else to do~ occasion. You take the game for granted, and before you know it, the EVIL that manifests as "Bed Bath and Beyond" comes by and levels your childhood bowling alley to sell over-commercialized trendy bath merchandize to all the yuppies in the tri-county area.
COMERICAL BREAK 2: I had a dream I threw a bowling ball down toilet ball alley in that store in protest. All the husbands joined me to lead a glorious revolt until Bed Bath and Beyond announced a super-super-beyond sale and the excited women dragged their husbands away only to leave this scary butch woman manager to come up to me saying "Okay Trouble maker, now you get to find where the "beyond" in bed bath and beyond is! Take em’ away boys".
She ordered two large men to throw a toilet bowl plunger onto my running-the-other-way arse, tugged me to the ground, and dragging me into the darkness somewhere screaming, "Help me, anybody, please. I just wanted to bowl again, is that asking so much? Okay I'll pretend I like bath ware. Just let me go. Damn you, Damn you all...Hindu Turkey Serial Killer, avenge my disappearance!!"
SHOWS CLOSING REFLECTING COMMENTS:
Pchewy: "Too bad I'm going to Canada for KT's secret bday party or I'd be able to go drinking with Kim on Friday. She promised me a rain check which I most defiantly will cash, because without Kim I would have forgot bowling. "
Bowling will never be power sport like football or volleyball, or even a special sport like Mini-golf or board games, but the aroma of the bowling alley will always recall good memories that remind one of all we often take for granted. Cheers to all the moments in life that never get the lime light.
That’s all for now…
Your Personal Hero
THE BAbbLER
pchewy
Anshu Gupta
http://psubabbler.esmartguy.com
