Pizza N Porn

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"All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you want to look. I fuck like you want to fuck. I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways you're not."

I haven't blogged in ages until I received the advice of a veteran journal keeper. ~Writing isn't hard; you just have to pretend you're an infinite number of monkeys.~ My problem is that I set such a fabulous standard to live up to, not even a room full of Shakespeares could compete. I feel like I can't out do myself. I can't contend with my own greatness of just a week ago. The most gruesome of thoughts is to have my level of story diminish in any way. I am a hilarious personality in person, if you add the jokes I can steal from the Internet, I become a superhero caliber unstoppable tour de force of folly. I mean my blog isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.

Speaking of sex, that is what today's blog is all about. Not just sex, but sexcapades you can only find in quality Made In America porn. Ultimately, paying for porn seems odd to me though it is a billion dollar industry. The loss of ones hard earned money for pork makes it appear that you're being screwed while everybody else is getting laid. Still, a man, it's hard to knock sex. It is no coincidence that beaver and beautiful are on the same page of the dictionary. Also, some of our sheltered gal pals have never seen a porn, so I felt almost obligated to educate them, and quickly.

Thusly, Pizza and Porn night was conceived in the maniacal brains of MattyMat Shelak, James Stewart and Anthony Scardino. I think it was James Stewart who picked up the first porn on Bourbon Street during their Spring break. It was aptly named "Sin City's 'fuck me harder'"….and the legend was born!!

I don't care what people say. I think porn stars are special. A little bit of plastic, a little powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl seem what she ain't. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one. My liberal thoughts on people who make porn can be summed up by a famous quote attributed to Sir Elton John, "I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though." As for those who condemn the industry, I always think about Simpson's creator Matt Groening who wrote, "When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

Ha-ha, funny stuff right? But think about it. How much would it take for you to be a porn star? Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95, the price of a bag of Doritos which is my crack. I know what you're probably thinking. Sure you can make a lot of money from the billion dollar porn industry but will you be happy? Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy ANYTHING. Personally, I think I was desensitized by nudity as an early child because I was introduced to the art world where sex and nudity were just an expression of being and not some puritan thing of evil. Because of this, a naked body isn't really a big deal to me as much as a connection with a person and the actual tactile sensation of touching or kissing. Instead it was always just a goofy joke.

For instance, I remembered an impressionable younger me listening to a tour guide at the mattress factory museum in Pittsburgh telling me about the artist who was exhibiting that day. He left his wife and mistress for a cave and lived there for 5 months without even telling his son. The gallery thought the artist was dead, gone mad, or ran away until suddenly he returned with a few scraps of a paper, chicken scratch mostly, which represented what he wanted to show.

After a few more months in his studio, he was ready to present what I was in awe off standing in that tiny museum. It was rooms of different shapes and colors and light with random TV and erotic videos, all of which brought you a difference intense sensation of warmth, lust, or a feeling of awakening. Then at the end of the exhibit, the secret was reveled. You were actually walking through a giant uterus, each room a different section leading to the egg!

Of course this led to us saying what we'd do to portray the uterus. I said I'd make a water slide because "A vagina is kinda like one of those tube water slides... its hot and wet inside and every so often a kid shoots out". Oddly enough when I was older the same artist did a reprise of the showing at I got to see his renewed more sophisticated approach to the subject.

ANYwho, back to Pizza and Porn. The first showing of Fuck Me Harder was a limp flop. It was typical porn, left nothing up to the imagination but the plot. In fact, there was no plot whatsoever. It was just sex scene after sex scene with all the charm of a spasm of the bowel. Over viewing of this cinematic monstrosity could turn the finest Hari Krishna into a bad boy. Usually my liberal optimism can find something redeeming about anything I watch, but I was at a loss.

First of all the problems in the porn were the quality of the ladies, -these were very ugly broken down, used chicks. I'm not ripping on ugly girls in general. I mean an ugly girl once gave me directions when I was lost. And some of my friends have dated ugly chicks with good personalities. The least classy of our group would call them butter faces. Nice body, but her face... --Or just mopeds, fun until your friends catch you riding them. Anywho, the point of this tirade was to explain the women were not attractive and the men were even worse.

Next, came the music. Usually you can get a lesson in funk or contemporary jazz when listening to the background music of porn, but this first porn didn't even had that. It just had the hardcore grunts, which if you're not looking sounds like someone using a sick bag on a 747. The lightening, the props, the background were all abysmal and nobody could argue after a while. Finally we turned it off.

Oh no! We declared an emergency state and demanded a porn run. Amy Kaucher desperately IMed all of her friends saying "I NEED PORN". I can only imagine what responses she got from people the next day who had away messages. Thankfully, Amy Kaucher finally got a hold of someone who she could rendezvous with her at McDonalds with some watchable porn. Anthony Scardino went with her on the special opt and we awaited them with baited breath.

Quick: What's the speed limit of sex?
Answer: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Somehow in their absence we got into a conversation about size. If a girl ever tells you size matters, it's a test. Don't get hokey and say it is motion in the ocean or overcompensate by insinuating that you're hung like a horse. You'll come off insecure. The correct response is to reframe, 'You know what? I'm so glad you can admit that size maters. Big breasts are important.' Then, if you get any flack, act indignant and say "I'm not a breast man, I'm a breast person."

Anywho, I poured myself an OBD (Occasional Bitch Drink) and was chillaxing until Amy Kaucher and Anthony Scardino came back sharing a brain. Anthony Scardino didn't look like himself when he returned. I noticed the improvement immediately. Some say he's tall, dark and handsome; others say tall, and in the dark, handsome; or was it tall dark and all greasy hands? In any case, we always seem to catch Anthony Scardino in gay moments, and holding a porn is about the most hetero thing I've seem him do. I was so proud. Because of that he looked different--ha-ha.

Now the other person in the picture above is our heroin, Amy Kaucher, looking about as innocent as a nun doing press ups in a cucumber field. I quickly made her pose for the pick with the porns. Then I asked about the guy whose porn we were using, adding that I was surprised she wasn't holding it with gloves on. Lots of people were a little scared when Amy Kaucher said how much porn the guy she bored the tape had. If I were him I'd shirk that insult off and just say. "Don't tease me about my hobbies. I don't tease you about being an asshole." Then again, I think that's a great response for most situations.

As for the two porns Amy Kaucher selected, nothing could be worse than Fuck Me Harder. The first was "Barely legal 'coy cuties born to be bad'. At first I misread the label and thought it said "cow cuties, born to be bad'. I became apprehensive that we were going to be watching Amy Kaucher's home videos. Instead she came up to me and showed me the back cover inquiring if I recognized one of the girls. From the neck up, Amy Kaucher claimed one of the stars of the porn looked like Nicole Myers.

That night, I took pictures of it and sent it to a friend Charlie who I thought would appropriate the comment because one of his ex-girlfriends from high school became a stripper. The next day Charlie gave me the funniest email response. "Is Amy Kaucher foreign or something and all white girls look the same to her? As a future FBI guy, I can unequivocally say that this girl looks nothing like Nicole Myers, but to be sure you should send me a picture of her to properly compare. In any case, I can also unequivocally say this Amy Kaucher girl obviously wants a threesome with you and Nicole Myers. Please follow your instincts and send back pics"

Of course, I channeled Jerry from Seinfeld replying "I can't do the orgy. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Naw, I'm not ready for it. "

Luckily for us, "Barely legal 'coy cuties born to be bad' was of much higher quality than fuck me harder. Inside there were several quick stories of young girls getting it on. Unfortunately there seemed to be an odd obsessive theme running through several of the stories where the girls felt obliged to urinate. "I had two things on my mind. One I needed to pee, two I needed a man"...then she'd get it on with the stable boy or the artist or whoever and Mount Vesuvius would exploded all over her face, belly, whatever. The low point of course was the one outdoor scene where you could see flies trying to get in on the action. Overall, we got the joy of laughing and mocking all of it.

The next porn was "Asian fever" which meant teasing MattyMat Shelak and Alice Ou a lot. One of the quality moments I captured on film looked like MattyMat Shelak giving birth to Alice Ou. Asian fever wasn't as hot as you'd think. It is lack of plot left us wanted more so we created it

I'm not quiet sure how the transition was made. If you asked Amy Kaucher if she'd ever do a porn she'd probably say, "Sure, I'll do that when... - oink flap oink flap - well I'll be darned!" Anthony Scardino took the initiative to cast Amy Kaucher in his first faux porn. Anthony Scardino played the role of the girl and Amy Kaucher was the guy. There were both supposed to mimic was being played on the TV.

With my paparazzi camera in hand, I became the director and quickly learned a new appreciation for the industry. It's really hard to make something look good, especially when you had the low caliber of actors. Zack and MattyMat Shelak were good guest directors showing me an angle where it actually looked like the two were getting it on if you mentally got rid of the clothes.

Overall, Anthony Scardino was Abercrombie fierce, a fabulous actor unleashed. He was playing the girl so we weren't too shocked that he could play the part well-ha-ha. Amy Kaucher on the other hand was a dismal cloud of giggles. At one point Anthony Scardino got frustrated. He pointed to the sex scene on the TV they were mimicking and said, "He's humping, you need to hump." Amy Kaucher erupted, "I'm not humping." --Soon, as in real life it was over. Amy Kaucher came too quickly.

Since it was such a success we decided to make it a tradition. Not Amy Kaucher and Anthony Scardino porn, but just getting together every week and watching a movie. From the low point of porn you'd think the movie choice couldn't get worse, but you'd be surprised. Still some greasy pizza, some great memories and greater friends mixed together.

This blog was dedicated to all you virgins, thanks for nothing. Remember, we got it easy...we ought to take it easy.


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